11/3/2017: Where do I begin tonight?! It's 11:31PM, or is it? I have no idea. The time change is messing me up before it's even happened. :P
::House creaks from the high winds::. ... I hate high winds. Not fun.
The past six weeks have felt like a lifetime to me. That's what happens when you go on sick leave. Trust me, I have been here before and it is amazing how slow time moves when you aren't working. But at the same time the back to work date just creeps upon you and then before you know it six weeks are gone. I definitely needed the time, though. Just glad I have an understanding manager.
The story of my anxiety begins so long ago, way back in 1997. Even at the young age of 7 I was afraid of vomiting, feared eating foods that would make me sick, refused to eat, took severe anxiety attacks - pretty much the same thing I am dealing with today. In fact in 1997 I missed pretty much half the year of grade 1 because I was unable to make it through a school day without having a panic attack. Thank God I had understanding teachers and family who were patient with me. But I am not a little child anymore, and I have to take care of myself. I guess it just goes back to what I always say, that this anxiety and social anxiety is going to be a life long journey, and I am always going to be facing new challanges with it.
My back to work date is set for this Tuesday, March 14th. I am definitely going to be nervous about going back. Half the reason I have been feeling good a lot of days lately is because I am home in my safety net. If I have any anxiety attacks, I am pretty much able to get rid of them in less than 30 minutes. I just really want to be able to go back to work again and be able to lead a productive life. And above everything else I just want to be happy. I don't want to feel this sadness anymore. And I know I can be happy because I do know what it feels like. :)
I have never known what it's like to be completely alone because I have never in my almost 27 years slept alone in a house. I've always had someone in the house whether it be my parents, family members, the few guys I dated at 20, and then of course Matt who I've spent many nights with. I think one of the major things I fear in life is my regular anxiety that I already have, but then to have absolutely nobody to be there for me. Thankfully I have a lot of family members. But the thought still comes to mind and is upsetting. The most upsetting part is that only a select couple of people in my life have seen me at my worst when it comes to my mental health. I don't trust people easily because I don't want people to see how awkward and insecure I am.
I've been in one job since I was 21 now. And I know nothing else beyond that. I like my job, the people are great, but I have no idea what else someone in my situation can do with their life. I can't even pick up a phone and talk to someone because I get that anxious from it.... SO it's a huge deal that I get back to work on Tuesday. It would be so easy for me to make the choice to give up on work completely and hide from the world.
Okay I got wayyyy personal again and I have been doing that a lot lately. But man it's hard not to get personal sometimes. And what better place to vent my thoughts?? :)
I just realized this is my 150th blog! How cool is that!!! Blog number 150 will mark the most amount of my whinning! Isn't that nice???!?!
Okay so I guess I should talk about my Tamas now. I had Zukitchi (yellow/orange) pass away on me today at 17 and I chose not to restart just yet. That is mainly because I got another Zukitchi on my teal green Hiragana P2 whom changed into none other than Sekitoritchi, the Japanese series ONE P2. Am I happy? You bet I am! I have now gotten every one of the US and Japanese P1/P2 characters!!! What better way to celebtrate than to add an animation of the little guy.
I am soooooo glad to have gotten him! He is cute and dare I say it, handsome! I don't think I have ever thought a Tama was handsome, but he is to me. :) hehehe. I always really loved Zatchi on the US P2 and now Sekitoritchi has taken a very solid second.
Mimitchi is alive and needy at the age of 20 today! I know that he will be passing away soon, probably tomorrow... I hope I can get him back while dealing with going back to work.... Will see how the week goes I guess..
I've been watching movies all evening with my Tamas since it's been too windy to go out. We watched several movies in addition to the Weeds TV show: The Perks of Being a Wallflower last night, To Wong Foo Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar; and How to Loose a Guy in Ten Days. All great movies!
Anyways I am going to try and get some sleep for now.... Will proably wait to upload this in the morning in case there is anything else I want to add.....
UpDate 12/3/2017, 7:39PM: Nothing else to report for today. Mimitchi is 21 and very demanding... I wouldn't be surprised if he leaves me tonight.... I will update again if he does.